On Knives. & Pannies.

Andrés needed new knives. Some of his old knives required sharpening almost every time we used them. So I started looking for deals & considering different brands. We both really like Wüsthof knives, especially the ones with a hollow edge, but they are out of our price range. So I started looking on Amazon, & I found the Miracle Blade III Perfection Series.

Now, I love informercials. They work on me. I believe 100% that: the product is Earth-shatteringly revolutionary, I definitely need this product in my life right now, there is no way my life can go on another day with it, & I should absolutely take advantage of this Fantastic! Once in a Lifetime! Limited Time Offer! Because Wait! There’s More!

The only thing that has stopped me from maxing out my credit card & ordering a Snuggie for my dog, a Bumpit, & an Xpress Red-Set-Go, is I pore over the online reviews before ordering. Sometimes Andrés reads the snooty one-star reviews to me in a British old lady accent. Then I decide whether or not to buy.

With the Miracle Blades, the online reviews were mostly stellar. The only one-star reviews were from 2007 (& one outlier from 2009 from a lady who got the wrong product when she ordered the knives but felt it was necessary to leave a one-star review). Best of all, they are only $20 with free Prime shipping. Seriously? For knives found by third parties to be super sharp & never in need of a sharpening? Can’t beat that. Also, I happen to have a specific need for a set of knives that can slice through a pineapple soaring through the air.

While I love how awesome the reviews are for these knives, honestly, if they need sharpening or if they rust over time, I can just buy a new set for just $20.

I have a similar thought process for panties. (I’ve pronounced it “pannies” since I was a kid, by the way.)

Target & Walmart sell pannies for like $3 or $4 that are extremely similar to the $20 Hancky Panky low-rise thongs sold in Nordstrom. This is a no-brainer for me.

Underoos get worn, stained, & the elastic deteriorates over time. Why the hell would I spend $20 on one pair of pannies?

Tangent: One time I was at Victoria’s Secret with my little sister who was picking up a free pair of pannies because she had a coupon. We run into this girl I went to high school with. I hate running into people from high school, & I run into this girl, who I’ve known since 3rd grade, in Victoria’s Secret. She’s actually working there, but she’s REAL QUICK to point out that she graduated on time & she’s going to grad school. I would’ve been impressed/listening but I was too focused on the fact that she had gained about 25 lbs. since high school so her mosquito bites grew into actual boobs.

She starts asking me if I’m going to be getting anything. Now, I’ve never bought anything at Victoria’s Secret in my life. I was like no, I buy my pannies for cheap at Target, thankyouverymuch. She was all WHAT WHO WOULD DO THAT? while looking at me with disgust like I was a panty heathen.

So I start explaining that I don’t want to have any qualms about throwing away my pannies when they get, ehm, used, so I like buying cheap (but cute) pannies that I can toss out whenever & easily rotate in new pannies.

She cannot grasp this concept. Maybe her sparkly new mega-boobs were draining brain power. IDK

Then she starts telling me how she has pannies from Victoria’s Secret that are five years old & she still wears them. I’m conjuring up images of skid marks & bloody period massacres swirling & swirling in a widening gyre. The center cannot hold.

I openly judge her for wearing the same damn underwear for five years.

But, anyway, that is how knives & pannies are similar in my book.


2 thoughts on “On Knives. & Pannies.

  1. Weesha

    “She cannot grasp this concept. Maybe her sparkly new mega-boobs were draining brain power. IDK”

    You are HY-larious!!!!!

    I just gave a “statement” in a murder investigation this afternoon in my living room!!


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